Recently, I was working with a group of clients and the 360° Feedback System used at their organization became a hot topic of conversation. As an Executive Coach and 360° Feedback Specialist, I have conducted nearly 3,000 feedback interviews and have delivered hundreds of feedback assessments. Through these experiences I have learned that almost everyone is defensive to feedback on some level. Defensiveness can take many forms: shutting down, getting angry, making excuses, blaming others, overwhelming shame or politely nodding while mentally writing a letter of resignation. During this particular coaching session, people wanted to know how they could become less reactive to feedback. Here are some of the suggestions I offered:
- Listen for what is said, not your interpretation. Often when we get feedback, what bothers us is what we think the other person said, not the actual words they used. For example, your manager says, “You could have handled some of those issues with the customer differently.” But what you hear is, “I’m better at your job than you are and I never would have made those mistakes.” It’s usually the interpretation we are experiencing that sparks the reaction. And if you think you don’t get caught up in your interpretations, listen to how you defend yourself- in fact, write it down. When you find yourself most defensive, free form write all the ways you want to defend yourself. You’ll likely notice that some of what you write is pretty far from the content of what your manager offered in the first place. We are usually defending our interpretation of what we heard and those messages tend to have themes. Start looking for the themes of your defensiveness so you can turn the tape loop off early in the game so you can actually hear what is being offered and feel less gripped by the content.
- Commit to openness and listen for the lesson. It might be true, it might not, but what can you learn? Personally, it is really hard to hear what someone has to say if I am spun up in my reaction to defend myself. But chances are, there is something to learn from what your manager or colleague is offering. They might not say it perfectly. They might not be any better at doing your job than you are, but from where they sit, there is something to offer. You can listen past the exact words to pick up on their perspective, which could end up being valuable. When we set an intention to be open to feedback (and actively re-commit to being open while receiving feedback) we train our brain to stay present and we will become less reactive.
- Assessments are never true or false, so ask for grounding. We get feedback all day long, every day. Sometimes it is on the mark, sometimes it is way off. When we call it “feedback” we are giving it power, but if we think of it as an assessment which is actually an opinion, feedback becomes more neutral. Obviously, when an opinion comes from a manager, we might give it more weight, especially if that opinion relates to our performance. But you can still remind yourself that your manager has a subjective point of view. Also, if you want an opinion to be valuable, ask for clarification and examples to ground the assessment. You will want to do so in an open and curious way (or it just sounds like defensiveness). The key here is to remind yourself that what is being offered is an opinion and that examples will provide context for the information. This will give you more room to explore the point of view rather than to defend yourself.
- Seek specific feedback from people based on competency, not personality. People earn authority by demonstrating competency in a specific domain. This means that they have skills and sensibilities in an area and they can respond to breakdowns in that area. You can receive feedback (opinions) about your performance in the domain you have granted them authority based on competency- not your judgment of their personality. I mention this because most of us will dismiss people if we don’t like them or don’t respect them. But competency is domain specific and we don’t have to like someone to know that they have skills and those skills have earned them some authority in that domain. Ask yourself if your colleague or manager can provide you with grounded assessments in the areas where they excel. Similarly, there is little value in granting authority for feedback to people simply because they have charismatic or positional authority.
- Grant authority where it is earned, continued. We need to grant authority to people who have domain specific competency and invite their assessments of our work within that domain. We DO NOT need to invite people, anyone, to assess our worth. No amount of positional authority, no amount of reverence for the relationship, nor admiration for achievements has earned another person the right to assess our worth. Your worthiness isn’t up for debate. Most of us are so attached to our identity as it relates to our work that take any feedback, positive or negative, to be about WHO WE ARE. It is no wonder we are defensive to negative feedback and constantly chasing positive feedback like a junkie. When our sense of self is inextricably tied to what others think of us, we have no choice to live at the mercy of their opinions of our work. Reclaim your human dignity. Believe in your inherent worth and allow the work you do to be part of your story- not the definition of your identity.
Being aware of your defensiveness to feedback and wanting to work on it will go a long way in shifting your reactions. The next step is to create space between what you hear and the reaction you tend to fall into. When put into practice, the above suggestions can offer you a bit of distance from your defensiveness and may even give you the courage to seek feedback on your own.